Seeing beneath the behaviours.

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Pre children, I was that woman who said I would have children who eat their greens, who didn’t talk back, who listened! I mean how hard could it be?

I would see parents struggling with their children and I would judge. I just thought they weren’t parenting right, ah the karma of it all now!

My children are challenging. They struggle so much with this world that isn’t adapted to their needs and when they struggle they show that the only way that they know best. They can be aggressive, they sometimes run, they swear, they are loud.

My eldest first showed these behaviours at aged 3. We were moving house and in the process had to stay with my parents for a few months. He had also very recently started at Nursery. He was taken out of his comfort zone and struggled massively. There was biting, kicking, a lot of refusals and we didn’t know how to deal with that. We tried to punish, we tried the naughty step after all isn’t that what you meant to do!? It made things worse. This progressively got worse as we went from Nursery to School. My happy boy was no longer happy, he withdrew, he would attack if he was asked to go to bed. Night times we’re a massive trigger in our house. I felt like I was failing him and I guess I was in a way because back then I thought been Autistic meant you couldn’t speak and everything was delayed, I didn’t realise how wide the spectrum was. I randomly searched one day about what we were experiencing and I came across a parenting forum where another parent dealing with challenging behaviours was concerned and Autism was mentioned. I looked it up and realised that my eldest son was showing the traits. What I had just thought were his quirks were Autistic traits. I felt almost a sense of relief as with knowledge comes power.  We decided to go down the diagnostic pathway and it was very clear that he was Autistic and we received a diagnosis promptly. This opened the door to help, School we’re also seeing the same issues. We did a positive behaviour course with a learning disability nurse and we had an Occupational therapist access him. It was eye-opening. My son had massive tactile sensory difficulties, he would become overwhelmed by lots of people, mess, noise, basically the environment of a mainstream school. He struggled at home because he blamed us for putting him in a situation in which he wasn’t comfortable. Once I could see through his lens I could really try to help him. There was no longer punishments, instead we praised him for the good stuff. When he would get upset and lash out in the night we wouldn’t get emotional back we stayed calm, we knew he was frustrated and it was his only communication. School got more and more of a problem for him. He stopped been able to interact with others, he had his own place in the playground, the rules were bent so he could arrive earlier and it helped to a degree but if something happened out of the ordinary at school and he had no warning he would react the only way he knew how. It was all about fight not flight with him.

At this point he was no longer allowed into the classroom, he had to be taught 1 to 1 separate. It was far from ideal so we pulled him out. How can anyone truly learn or be happy in that situation? The few weeks he was out he transformed, the aggressive behaviours decreased and it was clear that school had been the difficulty for him. We fought for a school that had small class sizes, lots of space and freedom, an understanding of sensory difficulties. When he started that school we never thought it would work out, it seemed impossible but he amazed us from day 1. He’s been there for over 2 years now and he no longer attacks us, he has learnt to manage his frustrations and talk to us when it’s all getting too much. I can recognise the things he can’t cope with and adapt or not do them. I couldn’t be prouder. To find somewhere he belongs and is understood has been amazing. It’s so nice to have him happy but I’m well aware for many this isn’t a possiblity. Children are labelled as bad or naughty when simply they are overwhelmed by the environment.

My middle son only showed the behaviours when School also got too much for him. He tended to run when things got too much. When running didn’t seem to help he would kick but it was always in an attempt for freedom. He never did it unless he did feel no other option. I felt a little more aware this time round. It was clear again that school was causing distress. He had more of a PDA Autistic profile and the demands of school were just too intense. He needed somewhere that felt more fun and less demanding. It got to a stage were we could no longer get him into school. We could get to school but then a block would come up and we couldn’t get him to actually go inside. I never pushed him, we gave him options, the Teaching assistant even attempted to teach him outside but it wasnt working. He associated that school with demands, even been spoken to became a demand. We took him out. The anxiety was sky high and his happiness was important. Somehow we managed to get him in the same school as his brother. It’s still early days but he appears much happier.

My children never needed fixing, it was the environment that was wrong. You always need to look beneath the surface because what appears to be willful disobedience is often a scared child just trying to be listened to and understood.

The challenging behaviours haven’t disappeared completely but the way I react to them has.

When things go well….

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It’s lovely when things are going well for our kids in school, yet there is this feeling that their struggles are then missed.  I want my children to be happy, I also want them to feel comfortable enough to reveal their true authentic selves. I don’t want feelings bubbling under the surface that surface for me and me alone. We are then not believed and it makes advocating for our children more of a struggle if what is seen is just at home.

Our homes are our children’s safe place and we are the people they feel comfortable enough with to show all there thoughts and emotions. We do everything that is needed in this environment, we reduce demands, and can recognize when things are going wrong and adapt.

When they don’t show this side at school however you know that under the surface they’re struggling but you can’t help them because they’re fine at school.  It also makes diagnosis difficult as the professionals only listen to the professionals so everything you’re saying no longer counts. It also makes it harder when it comes to EHCP’s, your child tells you daily how much they don’t like something at school yet when you bring it up it’s a case of well they’re  fine in school! Frustrating doesn’t come close.

Can you imagine how much less stressful SEND parenting would be if every professional we came across took us, parents, seriously? We know our children best. Masking is a thing, perfectionism and fear of failure is a thing.

My youngest is a classic masker. She fits every box for ASD, more so than even her brothers in many ways. Her school report was amazing, her reading is amazing and whilst this is great it feels like I have a huge battle ahead of me to be believed. My boys both struggled academically at school and in a way this helped us get their diagnosis and we were believed, they got there EHCPs with no issues. I know that my youngest is different, she wouldn’t like the attention of full support in school, she would prefer to fade into the background yet to have her needs recognised to pick up on the clues that she needs a little help with her friendships, to use less demanding words that could be the difference in how she copes.

Mental health is my biggest fear for all my children. I don’t want my youngest to have to allow the anxiety to brew under the surface and feel misunderstood. To feel different yet not know why. I get it. I felt the same, I coped at Primary school but found secondary a living hell. I had a close-knit group of friends at primary school then at secondary they split us up. I never felt like I fit in and struggled to form new friendships. I was bullied.It still effects me to this day. I don’t want the same for my daughter.

Our children shouldn’t have to wait until everything goes wrong at school to get the help they’ve needed all along. We as parents shouldn’t feel scared to mention things in case were made to feel like we’re liars. We shouldn’t have to go private to get a diagnosis. I have 2 diagnosed boys and Being Autistic is genetic, I feel like me and my husband are both probably Autistic so it’s highly likely my daughter is too. Sometimes I just wish she could show her true self in school so we could get her the help she will need.

PDA Demand Avoidance

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I’ve been told that all Autistic children experience demand avoidance and whilst this is true to a degree there is a big difference between PDA Demand Avoidance and Autistic Demand Avoidance. I have 3 children who experience Demand Avoidance, the eldest experiences Autistic Demand Avoidance and the youngest two PDA Demand avoidance.

Yesterday we went on a Birthday day out for Alfie. We had planned this day out for weeks and checked and checked that what we had chosen was something they wanted to do. Lewis chose to stay at home as long journeys make him anxious and he likes being in his safe place at home. Alfie and Cara, we’re both coming and pretty excited. We had decided on an Inflatable Theme Park then Dinosaur Golf.

Yesterday morning we were woken early by Alfie who was desperate to open his presents! He had been up since 4 am! Birthdays are something Alfie enjoys as he feels special and there is lots of novelty, it easily distracts him from any Anxiety he may have.

Cara got out of bed herself and dressed which is pretty novel in itself as recently she has needed me to dress her even though she is capable. I think her anxiety is generally higher during the school week and this is very evident in the mornings.

Cara generally isn’t a big car journey fan either but because the journey ended somewhere she would enjoy she was more willing. Once we got there however she said immediately that she no longer wanted to do the attraction. This is were PDA Demand Avoidance differs so much to Autistic Demand Avoidance. Cara had really wanted to do this attraction, she’d been so excited but once out of the car she simply felt like she couldn’t. When lewis gets demand avoidance it’s about things that he really doesn’t want to do but anything can be a demand with a PDA profile.

I remained calm and told her that if she didn’t want to do the attraction that she didn’t have to but because it was Alfies birthday treat we needed to go inside and at least watch. Cara became more and more unsettled, I think even though she had wanted to do it the control element had been taken away and she simply felt she couldn’t. Once at the counter I looked ahead for a second and within that second she had run back towards the doors and was on her way out. I really do need eyes in the back of my head! I kept telling her that I understood that she didn’t want to do it and that was ok. Cara tends to go selectively mute so when the man came over to explain the safety rules she wouldn’t engage, we wanted her to listen in case she changed her mind. 5 minutes later after a little patience she suddenly got the courage to go inside. She was a little nervous but stayed by her brothers side and appeared to be having fun.

Her reaction to the situation was completely out of her control. Her anxiety had heightened and she was frightened by the unknown of somewhere she had never been before. This often tends to happen at the very last minute just before she does something and there can be no warning.

Lewis however will spend all weekend worrying about going to swimming lessons on a Monday with school and won’t sleep properly, he will insist that he doesn’t want to do it days before.

Towards the end of the session Cara started getting upset again, she told me she never got to do anything fun! She then decided that she wanted to go to a museum even tho that wasn’t in the Birthday plans. I guess she wanted to feel in control and this was a way she felt she could get control, Cara doesn’t even like museums. I actually offered some other nearby options of a Sealife centre or Lego discovery centre but she wasn’t interested. I think she did actually really want to do the golf but again felt like she couldn’t.

Cara wouldn’t get back into the car so I sat down next to her and let her get her emotions out. She was really upset and felt like we weren’t doing anything she wanted to do. I explained that when it was her Birthday we would do everything she wanted and as it was Alfie’s birthday it wouldn’t be fair. She decided at that point to get into the car. Cara had a lovely time at the golf and really appeared to enjoy herself.

It must be so hard to really want to do things but your body fights against it. Once home Cara relaxed as she had an element of control again, she watched Christmas chronicles which she has decided she will watch every day! A little routine that she has chosen.

We don’t have a diagnosis for Cara yet as she masks in school and is a girl we know it’s not going to be easy to be believed but she absolutely fits the PDA profile. We are keeping an eye on things and if it starts getting harder for her in school we will definitely pursue it.

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Is it ODD or PDA?

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In the very early days after we first discovered PDA (pathological demand avoidance), I joined a few Facebook groups. I noticed a recurring theme, a lot of children that are quite clearly PDA been diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder).

This seemed to be the easy option for many paediatricians due to the fact PDA presented less obviously than classic ASD.

I wanted to do a blog post explaining the difference between the two as our children deserve to be understood. They need special care and attention to thrive.

The strategies for ODD tend to the complete opposite of what a PDA child would need and focus on the parent being in control which will never work for a PDA child. The PDA child is highly anxious and when they have no control over their environment there anxiety will heighten causing more demand avoidance.

When we took Alfie for his ASD (autism spectrum disorder) assessment we were prepared that ODD may be mentioned and took some notes explaining the reasons why it wasn’t. I tend to struggle with direct questioning, my brain likes to freeze and I find it helps to have notes prepared.

  I was told by the paediatrician that normally children like Alfie are diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. I thought I’d share some information about the two if you are unsure of the difference. I did not want my child labelled as ODD as it was clear to me after reading about PDA that that fit him and ODD didn’t.

• PDA is a profile of Autism. ODD isn’t. If your child struggles with social difficulties, restrictive behaviours etc it’s likely that they are Autistic and therefore don’t have ODD
• PDA is Anxiety based and ODD isn’t. Children with PDA try to control their environment to ease the high levels of Anxiety they experience
• individuals with ODD are described as being Angry and vindictive, whereas individuals with PDA may appear angry but that normally stems from high anxiety levels and struggling to cope
• ODD behaviours normally develop at an older age, 6 or above and are not usually present earlier. PDA is an Autistic profile and therefore present from birth.
• ODD strategies tend to be stricter and more rule-bound. Many PDA children would struggle with lots of rules and resist often making a situation worse, they need a level of control to feel safe
• Individuals with ODD are aware of their peers and care about not embarrassing themselves whereas a PDA individual may care less what others think
• ODD individuals are aware there is a pecking order and the adult is in charge. A PDA individual wants everyone to be equal and doesn’t see anyone as higher up or better than them.

After our appointment, I was concerned that ODD was mentioned so I sent the paediatrician a letter explaining the differences. I wanted to cover all bases.

We know our children best and if you don’t believe a diagnosis fits then don’t accept it.

I knew that if Alfie was given this diagnosis then it would place the blame squarely on his shoulders and that has never been the case. It has always been a case of can’t not won’t. Thankfully, the paediatrician agreed with us.

Alfie received a diagnosis of ASD with a PDA variant. The following year we also received a diagnosis of ADHD through CAMH’s which helped open the door to medication for Alfie’s Anxiety. This has changed our life dramatically. I’m pretty sure if we got the wrong diagnosis we wouldn’t be in this situation.

The wrong diagnosis is detrimental to the child as they are then misunderstood, may lack confidence as are seen as willfully been disobedient when it’s anxiety at play. It’s hard enough for them as it is without that too.

How we got a PDA Diagnosis

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Lewis was diagnosed with ASD before Alfie. Lewis had a very easy path to diagnosis, I think we struck lucky with that. Lewis was diagnosed on his very first appointment meeting the Paediatrician, Lewis appeared more classically Autistic, he didn’t want to talk to the paediatrician and generally seemed pretty cross to be there. We were having difficulties in school at the time, so the diagnosis was welcomed. We were glad that we had a reason for the struggles and it opened so many doors to get him the help he needed.

We were given a big pile of paperwork and a place on the ‘What Now?’ course and sent on our way. We learnt about PDA during that course when another parent mentioned it, and as soon as I got home I googled it. I was taken aback, reading the information on the PDA society site. It was like I was reading about Alfie. A proper lightbulb moment! We did the EDAQ (Extreme Demand Avoidance Questionnaire) and he scored highly. It all just explained so much, before that point we just thought he was strong-willed and stubborn! It was eye-opening. See below for the signs of PDA, taken from the PDA society site.

Signs of PDA (Pathalogical Demand Avoidance) are…

• resisting and avoiding the ordinary demands of life – the key words here are ‘ordinary demands’, so this might include getting up, getting dressed, eating a meal or washing. Significantly, it includes things that someone might want to do/enjoy. For more info see What is demand avoidance?
• using ‘social’ strategies as part of the avoidance – this means not just saying no, withdrawing, shutting down or running away, but a variety of avoidance approaches including distraction, making excuses, physical incapacitation, withdrawing into fantasy, procrastination, controlling, reducing meaningful conversation or masking.
• appearing sociable, but lacking some understanding – meaning that individuals may appear more sociably ‘able’ than one might expect (with, for instance, more ‘socially accepted’ eye contact or conversational skills). However, this may mask underlying differences/difficulties in social interaction (for instance, not seeing any difference between themselves and an authority figure), and communication (for instance, whilst an individual may be very articulate, their understanding of others may not be so robust).
• experiencing intense emotions and mood swings – meaning difficulties with emotional regulation, rapid mood swings, impulsiveness and unpredictability.
• appearing comfortable in role play, pretence & fantasy – this can sometimes be to an extreme extent with other personas (be that a person or an animal) being adopted for a prolonged period of time. The line between fantasy and reality can sometimes become blurred.
• focusing intently, often on other people – with PDA, “repetitive or restrictive interests” are often social in nature, relating to real or fictional people.
• a need for control which is often driven by anxiety or an automatic ‘threat response’ in the face of demands.

We knew, however, that PDA was not widely recognized and it was going to be a lot harder to get a diagnosis than it was with Lewis. I read up, absorbing information, and despite no diagnosis, I was determined to try the strategies, but it didn’t come easily. I am not a patient person by nature but the more I learnt, the easier it was. Alfie was in Reception at the time and appeared to be coping ok at school. Before and after was a different story, and anything he had bottled up at school came straight out as soon as he saw me. Towards the end of Reception, things started to change with the school. Alfie’s mask started to slip and he started to refuse to do things for the teachers. I had a meeting and mentioned PDA, gave print outs but I don’t think we were taken seriously, Alfie was given an Individual Education Plan at that point.

We decided to pursue a diagnosis, but the paediatrician we saw was incredibly dismissive. The paediatrician chose to ignore our concerns, the constant meltdowns and refusals and when we mentioned PDA she said that he couldn’t possibly be as he wasn’t Autistic! I ended up leaving that appointment in tears. I could already see that things were starting to go very wrong with school and felt frustrated.

I decided after that appointment I wouldn’t go back and I would go private. I tried to figure out a way to pay for it. Meanwhile at school things started going more and more wrong to the point that towards the end of year 1 he needed full time 1 to 1 support. We were lucky that the school agreed with PDA and they gave Alfie a 1 to 1 support worker, despite not having funding for it. School applied for an EHCP (Educational Health Care Plan) and started early help. Alfie was behind with his work due to refusing to engage but if he did it was subject-based around his choosing. We saw the Educational Psychologist and the Specialist advisory teacher. Their reports were excellent and I think helped.

At the same time, we decided to try for another opinion. The appointment came through for the same paediatrician and we requested someone else. Alfie went into Year 2 OK. He always seemed to go through a kind of honeymoon period where the ideas school thought up seemed to be working. He would bring in his soft toy every day which created a novelty element and a feeling of being special. He had his jobs watering the plants and when that didn’t work it was adapted so he could enter the classroom a different way. He grew very fond of his TA (Teaching Assistant).

In November we saw a different paediatrician. I decided this time I wasn’t going in and mentioning PDA. I decided to look at classic Autism symptoms and see how they fit for Alfie.

Repetitive Patterns of Behaviour

• Needs to have control and is incredibly demand avoidant, the wording needs changing and things need adapting, extreme flexibility is needed.

• Alfie had started flapping. It wasn’t something he always did but when distressed, and during sleepwalking, he did it.

• Alfie has always been a collector (random objects of interest) and he holds on to these in a safe place.

• Alfie likes routine on his terms. He may not always communicate to you what his terms are, but if you do something in the wrong order, he will get upset and things need to be changed to how he imagines they should be. If someone does something unexpected, things can change quickly and he’s back to square one.

• Alfie has special interests. These can change often but all he wants at that moment is to learn and do things surrounding this interest. He wants everything surrounding the interest, it becomes his whole life. At school, he will learn if the subject is adapted around this interest.

Social Interaction

• Alfie tries to control others and if he can’t he gets very frustrated and may meltdown or lash out. He struggles with games and not being first for things.

• He takes things very literally and often seems confused by what people say.

• He takes on the role of an adult. He will copy what an adult says and tell other children off, even when he doesn’t know the child.

• Overshares with everyone.

• He is easily frustrated and upset and doesn’t care who sees.

Sensory

• Alfie struggles with loud sounds and will get frightened. He often holds his hands over his ears and struggles with the noise in the classroom. He loves mess and is very much a sensory seeker, always moving and doing things.

I wrote notes and made a diary of the day to day life. The appointment went well and the paediatrician listened. We were so relieved. The paediatrician mentioned that usually with a PDA profile, a diagnosis of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is given but I had done my research and had notes already prepared about why it wasn’t ODD. ODD is very different to PDA and the strategies used for ODD would be incredibly detrimental for Alfie. I needed the teachers to understand that none of the things Alfie was doing was on purpose or with intent. He was a very misunderstood child. After the appointment I sent the paediatrician 2 letters, one was explaining the difference between ODD and PDA and why it didn’t fit Alfie, and the other was all of the things I may have forgotten to mention in the meeting.

December that same year he was awarded a full-time 32-hour EHCP and I thought maybe with constant support things may work out. In January Alfie was given a different TA and from that point, things began to spiral. Alfie had decided he didn’t like the TA possibly because he felt he had no choice having her and just wanted the TA he trusted and had become used to. School runs became more and more difficult. Alfie didn’t want to go in if this particular TA was there and would run away whenever he saw her. Alfie was no longer engaging with the work and would become very disruptive in class sitting under tables and making siren noises (maybe to drown out the classroom sound). The school were great, they adapted and they allowed him to come in a bit late, and through a different door.

In March Alfie was diagnosed with ASD with PDA variant and we were soooo pleased, we never thought we would be lucky enough for PDA to get a mention and were so glad we went for that 2nd opinion. The next day Cara developed a cough so we had to keep them all of the school due to Covid and they didn’t end up going back until September. Alfie became a calmer, happier boy during the lockdown, his anxieties decreased, and the lack of demands meant he was more able to engage and want to do things. Alfie even taught himself to ride his bike! The determination was incredible.

Before we knew it it was time to go back to school. There would be a new teacher and new TAs. To say we were anxious was an understatement. Alfie had a couple of weeks of the honeymoon period. He appeared to be coping then bang just like that he wasn’t. What started as Alfie taking an hour or 2 to go in progressively got worse to the point where he wouldn’t go in at all. He was angry and upset. He would constantly beg and ask why he had to go to school. He would run away and try to kick down barriers. It was detrimental to both of us, and especially Alfie so we got him a sick note for anxiety and requested an Emergency EHCP. Lewis had already been in a fantastic ASD school for well over a year and we wanted the same for Alfie after seeing the turnaround it had given Lewis. The school was on the side and agreed that they weren’t meeting his needs. After a lot of to and froing, we managed to get him a place in Lewis’s school this March. We have seen such an improvement in Alfie. He now takes anxiety medication which has almost certainly helped and he’s currently going to school happily.

Always trust your instinct and don’t let anyone fob you off, you know your child best.

A little about my boys…

I have 2 Autistic boys who really couldn’t be more different.

Lewis is introverted, he doesn’t like busy places, struggles with messy texture and lack of routine, he needs lots of planning time for new things.

Alfie is outgoing, he loves novelty and new things, he is very forward and direct, if he thinks something he will say it! He loves mess much to my delight….

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An outsider would look at my boys and think well Alfie is obviously not Autistic but they would be very wrong. Alfie fits the PDA (Pathalogical Demand Avoidance) profile of Autism, on the surface this can look atypical yet all the difficulties are still there and in some areas more so.

Alfie is social but it’s very much on his terms, he has to have control, he doesn’t understand when he should talk or have impulse control, never tell Alfie a secret or everyone will know!

Alfie doesn’t think he has friends yet he’s very likeable, he doesn’t understand the body language so unless you directly tell him you’re his friend he doesn’t think you are.

He struggles with the point of view, and awareness of how his actions may affect others, then difficulties are still there.

Alfies demand avoidance is fuelled by his Anxiety, I don’t mean regular worries that everyone has this is a level of worry that everything can seem a threat, he needs to feel in control to calm that threat and feel like he knows what’s going to happen, he needs the choice. Alfie can be demand avoidant about just anything, brushing his teeth, having to come downstairs, getting dressed, even doing things he loves.

Lewis is also Anxious but it is generally about 1 or 2 things that bother him, currently that anxiety is centred around Swimming Lessons.

Alfie has special interests that dominate his life but they change frequently, when he likes something he has to have and know everything about it, we have gone from Coins to Cats in quick succession, which makes present buying tricky! Lewis’s currently loves Pokemon and this probably won’t change for a while so in that way he’s more predictable.

Alfie also has ADHD which is a quite common co-morbid alongside the PDA profile, which means his difficulties are even more difficult to spot, to the outsider he may be just a naughty child which is a shame because he is the kindest, caring, a little boy who is just very much misunderstood.

Both my boys attend a specialist ASD school due to mainstream not being the right environment for them, so far fingers crossed this is working.

All I’ve ever wanted is for my children to be happy and self-aware, I have never hidden their diagnosis from them as I want them to know why they struggle, I want them to accept themselves from a young age and know that they are not naughty, that the environment is the problem not them ❤

PDA and What Helps

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I was trying to squeeze the toothpaste out of Cara’s tube this morning and it wouldn’t budge as it had dried up on top. I tried to keep squeezing it but the more I tried the more it resisted. I had to find a solution to get it off and with nothing else around I had to be patient and calm until I found something. Trying to keep squeezing despite the block in the way would be futile.


Alfie and quite probably Cara have PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) It’s an Autistic Profile that causes extreme demand avoidance. The demand avoidance isn’t just a child trying to get their way.

When a child has PDA they are extremely anxious pretty much all the time, the world can be a pretty scary and unpredictable place Having control helps ease that anxiety, and gives them a sense of certainty in an uncertain world.


I realised very early on that Alfie had the upper hand, he would refuse to do things and when I tried to parent him in a traditional way it just made the situation worse. Alfie would scream and scream. It wasn’t a case of just letting him cry it out – he didn’t – he just wouldn’t stop.

The school run became a massive issue, I had Lewis who was 15 months older and Cara who was a baby at the time and he would just refuse to move. If I tried to move him he would scream, kick, and wriggle until I put him down. I had no idea what I was doing wrong.

Alfie would get triggered by little things like someone walking where he didn’t want them too, or a smile from a friendly stranger. He would decide that the way we were walking was the wrong way and when we tried to walk the way he wanted that wasn’t good enough either. I was exhausted and felt useless, nobody else seemed to have these struggles.

I decided I needed help so I read a book on Strong-Willed Children. That book was life-changing. I learnt that I needed to be more patient, focus less on the bad stuff, give him time and it helped. I realise now a lot of the strategies in that book are similar to a PDA approach.


The following shortlist helps massively. I have had to adapt over the years:



Patience: you cannot rush. When Cara stops and refuses to move I’m quiet, I don’t ask too many questions and generally, with that sense of calm and patience she will tell me what’s wrong and we can sort the thing that’s worrying her. The more you push the more resistance you get and that will often lead to a meltdown or complete no turn around refusal.

Have a plan b or even c. If you only have one option you’ve got nowhere to go with it and negotiation with a PDA child is almost impossible!

Offer choices, the other morning Cara didn’t want to walk to school because the neighbours were too close so I offered a different route and it worked, be mindful it won’t always!

Make things fun. Distractions help, make it a race, talk about their favourite things, point out the lovely flowers. Whatever it takes!

Be aware what works today may not work tomorrow, you have to be incredibly flexible and be willing to change things up.

Share understanding. Your child isn’t being naughty. They’re struggling and they need you to be strong and look beyond the behaviour and help them with the cause.

Change your wording. Anything that feels like a demand won’t work. Instead of “don’t walk by the road”, try “let’s walk next to the wall” and explain the reasoning behind it. My kids are very safety conscious and like to know everything!

Ignore the stares! Other people don’t get it, it’s hard and I’m guilty of not doing it sometimes but your child needs you at that moment so just be there for them.